Time can be a strange concept, this day five years ago, I lost my partner Peter to cancer, 5 years is a long time, yet some days it seems like yesterday.
It is said that you can never really prepare for the death of a loved one, whether it is sudden or following a long illness. Either way, in an instant, your world changes, and not for the better. One moment I was in a partnership, cherished and loved, the next I am single, alone and grieving. Cancer is a damned cruel way to go, Peter had rectal cancer which turned into metastasis cancer infecting his lungs, spine and brain, he was a fighter to the end. The five years since his passing now seems an age compared to the five years that cancer took to win, that strange concept of time strikes again.
While the pain of losing him isn’t as sharp as it was in 2016, I am not as numb, I don’t cry as easily, and I know for sure he’s not walking through the front door one last time. There are still emotions to deal with, grief doesn’t follow a timeline and it’s personal, it comes in waves. Losing a loved one is something that’s never truly gotten over, time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it does lessen the pain.
I surely feel the loss more on days like this, anniversaries of birthdays or special occasions, but that is life after loss, I cannot change what happened, but I can try to understand it and manage it, some days it comes easier than others.
It may sound harsh, but I don't live in the past - I can't - what is the point? I have had to adjust to my new life of it being just me. I am okay with living alone - well the cat may disagree! Making life decisions alone can be really hard though, you know the kind of things you only talk with your partner about, or a total stranger.. Life decisions, financial decisions, in my case - business decisions, I probably have not always made the right choices, but I am still in business, I have a roof over my head.
I chose to look at the positives, I have the entire bed to myself, I have the entire wardrobe to myself, I can go where I want, when I want, spend what I want. Of course there are negatives to my choices, I miss the company, especially in the evenings, Netflix can back that up!! It would be nice to be in the passenger seat once in a while, the business profits are the only household income which has to stretch a long way in slow weeks.
But my choices, right or wrong are my own, it takes work to learn to live with loss, often I am still taking one day at a time, I think I have lost social skills, it takes work, there’s no such thing as closure with the loss of a loved one, which I know those of you in the same boat know exactly what I am talking about.
Loss is very personal, I am very grateful I have special people in my life, I have two grandchildren now, one I sadly have not met due to distance and a world wide pandemic. I have a special bond with my 2.5 year old grand daughter, she sleeps over pretty often, she is a big reason that keeps the positivity going.
If you have reached this point, thank you for reading on, it helps me to share, and I hope it has helped others in the same position, we still have a lot to live for and life can get better..xx